I hate it when netflix pauses and asks me if im still watching like yeah you actually think i got up and started doing something with my life bitch put my show back on
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I fell asleep with my butt plug in and I woke up and I was like ‘shit where is it’ and the entire thing was in my ass like byeeee
"hello 911 i’d like to report a murder in th-" "haha, wow you’re a little snitch. hold on a sec. HEY DAVE, CHECK OUT THIS FUCKIN SNITCH ON LINE THREE"
moms are so temperamental you say one thing like “have you seen my hoodie” and theyre like your HOODIE??? YOUR HOODIE???? DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY THINGS I HAVE TO DO EVERY DAY AND YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO KEEP TRACK OF YOUR HOODIE? NOBODY HELPS ME IN THIS HOUSE I DO EVERYTHING BY MYSELF AND NOBODY ASKS HOW I AM YOUR FATHER IS AN ALCOHOLIC